waking up

The new apartment is nice and spacious! God is good.

Near East final concert in a little bit, then Gospel Choir tomorrow at 2:30 PM. I can’t go to church for the unveiling of the new name!

Everyone is going on missions. Even you.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH my phone is not in the lost and found. The guy I called said he would leave it in the lost and found for me, but I guess he took me for an idiot. Now I am sure he put on a fake accent and never intended on giving it back. He racked up 360+ minutes (I have more left, praise God) and somehow used 2700 Night and Weekend minutes. Basically he is a liar and thief… outright in my face, when I said to him that I appreciated people like him for being honest. He is a horrible human being. I wanted to choke him out. Now I have to pay $50 for a new one (fourth time I have lost my phone since I got it) and I lose my insurance.

But as I was thinking all this, trying to let go of the anger because all of it is out of my hands now, Trina said pray for that guy. CHECKMATE!

I lose, big time. Even though this guy is already on my list of people I would hurt (e.g., Kim Jong Il), God loves him just as much as He loves me. I am stupid, but I’m learning. Thanks, God, for your patience.

Okay… I have found something worse than cockroaches: North Korea’s situation. Although I think pages should be devoted to the atrocities committed there, I think it’s futile on my part.

Cool thing happened today. I lost my phone and JoEllen came down to LA from Berkeley. Basically I thought I had to miss her because I had Shepherd Group and she thought Wootae could take her to see me after her dinner w/him. Anyway, I was waiting at Sproul for rides, and there she was!! We had a few hugs and just said how much we’ve missed each other. She is gonna be part of AACF leadership… I’m so proud of her! I will hopefully see more of her in the summer cuz of BAAYF.

So, the last Shepherd Group happened tonight. Didn’t feel the finality of it… should I? Oh well, it was a great time of testimony/praise/prayer. I will miss it for the summer. I don’t have small group bible studies at home… unless you count the Little Brothers. The thing that troubles me about Little Brothers is sometimes we are too much friends and not enough brothers in Christ. My fault as well as theirs… At Oikos Shepherd Groups, we don’t meet for the sake of having fun… the Word comes first priority, as if it were another part of regular church.

Hey, faithful readers… sorry. I have been busy and hangin’ out a ton with the guys. We have found a nice apartment.

The Steinberger project is coming along nicely… I have a potential used S-Trem lined up for me and a discounted M/S blend neck, with the possibility of student discounted Bartolinis (I’m so cheap, I had to ask).

Cockroaches… nothing worse than cockroaches.

As always, God is faithful.

He cheered me up today by letting me walk to class and see a bunch of people with smiles for me. I had my head down most of the time cuz I was so bummed… but anyway, first, there was a girl from up north, then some dude who I didn’t see but heard cuz my head was down, then some guy I knew from last year who is hilarious, then Jinna came out and was like, “BOO!” Then a girl from last year on my floor… so random, but I was on the phone with Robert and immediately recognized the smiles were contagious. I started feeling better about everything.

The paper was better left undone, I guess. It’s only a half a grade off no matter when I turn it in, but the thesis itself needed major overhaul, changing the whole of the paper that I had yet to finish. More work ahead of me… but not much more pressure.

I found out what kind of body my Steinberger is… I believe it’s an early Gibson GM4TWH – a Guitar body in the M-series shape (like a strat) with a humbucker and two single coil pickup cavities routed, and a white color. I figured it was early Gibson because of its ergonomically contoured body and slanted pot configuration. As it turns out, the neck will be a buttload of money, and the S-trem or TransTrem are going to cost over $400 new. SUCKS, cuz I can’t get my dream guitar under $500, obviously. But I look forward regardless, because the retail price for the guitar, without any kind of custimizations I’m putting on it, is over $2,400. GOGO CUSTOM BUILT GUITARS!

My mom cheered me up even more… if you guys know my mom even this is atypically funny and cute of her:

[04:44:30 PM] Tobleroneanytime: war!!!

[04:44:39 PM] SmRtbOyE: hi

[04:44:45 PM] SmRtbOyE: i decided not to get a classical guitar

[04:44:51 PM] SmRtbOyE: i am starting an electric guitar!!

[04:44:53 PM] SmRtbOyE: hahahahaha

[04:44:55 PM] Tobleroneanytime: oh,

[04:44:57 PM] SmRtbOyE: i hope you are not worried

[04:44:58 PM] Tobleroneanytime: nooooooooooo

[04:45:00 PM] SmRtbOyE: hahahaha

[04:45:06 PM] SmRtbOyE: what

[04:45:07 PM] Tobleroneanytime: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$

[04:45:15 PM] Tobleroneanytime: $ $ $

[04:45:18 PM] SmRtbOyE: hahahaha

[04:45:29 PM] Tobleroneanytime: and my calamity

[04:45:34 PM] Tobleroneanytime: when u are home

[04:45:39 PM] Tobleroneanytime: my sanity

[04:45:39 PM] SmRtbOyE: naw

[04:45:43 PM] SmRtbOyE: i will get real good

[04:45:48 PM] Tobleroneanytime: i know u will

[04:45:49 PM] SmRtbOyE: and make pretty music

[04:45:56 PM] Tobleroneanytime: r u going to paint ur face?

[04:46:06 PM] Tobleroneanytime: and stick out your tongue?

[04:46:12 PM] SmRtbOyE: no

[04:46:21 PM] SmRtbOyE: i am not a member of kiss

[04:46:27 PM] SmRtbOyE: haha

[04:46:32 PM] Tobleroneanytime: thank god

And about my soon-to-be apartment life.

[04:52:01 PM] Tobleroneanytime: i have a lot of focus groups to do lately

[04:52:26 PM] Tobleroneanytime: i am glad that we have enough money to support our needs

[04:52:47 PM] Tobleroneanytime: but i would like you to still try to find a place nice and less expensive

[04:53:01 PM] Tobleroneanytime: you would have to cook on your own now

[04:53:07 PM] SmRtbOyE: i like cooking

[04:53:10 PM] SmRtbOyE: i just hate cleaning up

[04:53:13 PM] SmRtbOyE: i need more recipes from home

[04:53:28 PM] Tobleroneanytime: maybe i will buy a vaccum system to send food to u

[04:53:40 PM] Tobleroneanytime: it is time you don’t have

[04:53:48 PM] Tobleroneanytime: to do house chores

[04:54:01 PM] SmRtbOyE: haha

[04:54:02 PM] Tobleroneanytime: cleaning bathroom, your room, sweep,

[04:54:09 PM] Tobleroneanytime: hahaha

[04:54:16 PM] Tobleroneanytime: get ready for the real life

[04:54:17 PM] Tobleroneanytime: don

[04:54:25 PM] Tobleroneanytime: don’t invite me too much there

[04:54:29 PM] Tobleroneanytime: i feel sorry for the landlord

[04:54:47 PM] Tobleroneanytime: did u know you can use formula 409 to clean the bathroom and kitchen

[04:55:01 PM] Tobleroneanytime: and you need to scrub the bathtub with ajax?

[04:55:04 PM] Tobleroneanytime: oh man

[04:55:07 PM] SmRtbOyE: when is all this cleaning taking place

[04:55:09 PM] SmRtbOyE: u mean next year?

[04:55:19 PM] Tobleroneanytime: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[04:55:24 PM] Tobleroneanytime: routinely

[04:55:27 PM] SmRtbOyE: oh

[04:55:30 PM] SmRtbOyE: well i will ahve time

[04:55:33 PM] Tobleroneanytime: MY GOD

[04:55:36 PM] SmRtbOyE: i am not super busy with school

[04:55:53 PM] Tobleroneanytime: u need to take a janitorial classs

[04:55:59 PM] SmRtbOyE: hahahahaha

[04:56:03 PM] SmRtbOyE: you’re so mean

[04:56:25 PM] Tobleroneanytime: i am afraid thing will grow in your bedroom and bathroom and not in the backyard

[04:56:44 PM] Tobleroneanytime: did u know you need to wash your blankets once in a while?

[04:56:50 PM] Tobleroneanytime: man

My mom is hilarious.

Great… tried pulling the all-nighter, took a nap at 7:45 AM, and set my alarm for 8:45 because class is at 12, and I wake up at 11:30. Needless to say, I am not done. I have a late paper… it’s only marked down a half grade, but stayed up til 7:45 for nothing. It was a horrible night. I look at where my paper was going, and I still don’t see any nice ways to continue it anyway. I came up with only two and some odd pages out of seven.

All I do is complain. Who the hell do I think I am?

I’m not doing my paper just yet.

Sometimes you just feel like yelling, but then that is just primal and wouldn’t articulate anything. Cussing would degrade the purity of your frustrations. Explaining it as eloquently possible would just mean that you are telling someone else what it feels like, but not communicating the actual feeling. Can someone truly help without feeling your pain?

I say this all because I am pissed at myself. Love, joy, peace… it should all be there, all the time. But why isn’t it? I am angry about that. Argue with it all you want, but I hate my emotions. When little things come and remind you of how human you are, sometimes you just have to sit and wallow. Yet, that is not the response that God shows is possible with Him. By all means, negativity is a cop-out. Being depressed is a selfish state. Depression is wallowing in self-pity and pessimism. But I guess there is a season for everything.

People will always feel happy and sad, shaken and sound, troubled and at peace, hated and loved. That is the way of things… and how much more unnecessary this post becomes with each word I attribute to my frustration. But sometimes… you don’t want to laugh. You don’t want to smile. You don’t want to see anyone who is happy, because they aren’t like you.

Why do I think about everything except for my paper due later today? Why are seemingly more important things in life put on hold during school? Why do I feel un-motivated? Why do I acknowledge that I am unmotivated and yet seek no solution? Why do I continue to think about these things when it gets me nowhere near completion of my schoolwork?

I guess the truth is… I’m not a machine, however much I’d like to have certain qualities of one. I like to feel love, joy, and peace… they give me an abundant life. But in a sense, it appeases me to indulge in my dark side — the side that God will burn out of me forever. And, for that reason, I should stop feeling all kinds of anguish. It hurts me to realize that pain exists in me… yet I can’t ignore it. It’s there, and sometimes it is only delayed by laughter. Could it be that laughter is the real emotion that is delayed by pain? Heh… I just pondered something I thought was deep, but was really just an example of pessimism and optimism, now that I’ve reduced it.

I suppose it can all be reduced. You can reduce anything until it becomes distant/empty of beauty. And by beauty, I mean that which invokes emotion.

I don’t know anything. I have no authority to speak, and no right to deserve pity. Yet… God loves me. Amazing.

He must be shaking His head right now… “He still doesn’t get it.”

The electric guitar project has begun. Code name: Steinberger.

Note to self – write entry about how awesome God is in light of Senior Banquet testimonies.

Congratulations Robert!

“So much bigger… so much broader… so much more. So much more. There’s so much more. There’s so much more. There’s so much more. Even the things that you think you know, God’s gonna show you how much greater they really are. The things that you think you know, God’s gonna show you how much greater that they really are. He’s gonna show you the value of those promises, He’s gonna show you the value of His word, He’s gonna show you your value, and it’s so much greater than you thought.”

I make that my prayer.