waking up

I had a nice night with my dad. It’s not often we spend time together… not often at all.

As a child, he was constantly on business trips to China, Taiwan, and other random places. He used to own a shoe company and had to go to Las Vegas for shoe shows, factories overseas, and all that stuff. Only in the past few years have I ever spoken to him for periods of longer than 5-10 minutes.

He is a man of few words… He has Attention Defecit Hyperactivity Disorder (a very extreme case, as well). It’s not easy to get his attention. His mind races about everything. But he has a few things that calm his mind…

Over a great Beef Katsu Curry Don at On the Bridge, we talked about that. His mind, the way it races, and his never-give-up determination that defines him so well… He said the few things that calm his mind are 1) Reading, and 2) Music. As soon as he said the latter, I began to think… do I play music for the same reason he listens? Is it to calm myself? I immediately recalled some pictures of my own personal worship times… Music is very healing to my soul. I have shared in previous blogs how I have had real outpouring through my guitar.

So, again with the topic… why did his idea about music relate to me? You see, some time ago when he came to LA for a meeting, he had dinner with me at his hotel. For the first time in my life, I realized how much I am like my father. I used to think he was this utterly separate personality in my household… but that night, it was almost scary.

I held my fork in my right hand, sitting opposite him, a lefty, with his fork. I found the mirroring of our bodily positions startling… and though it being otherwise of no consequence, it occurred during a profound statement of his that I echoed inside myself. I don’t remember exactly what it was, but I do remember that feeling. I am just like my father in some ways.

Tonight, I saw that we scratched our foreheads at the same time for the same duration. It was cool… and as he was talking about music calming his mind… I wondered in what way I was the same. He even says so, but I do say that my father is quite intelligent. If it weren’t for ways to calm down and the ADHD keeping him from lingering on a thought, he said he would probably think too hard and just always be somewhere else. I know I am the same in the thinking way… not as a boast, because without Him I am nothing, but I know I think a lot and I get ahead of myself sometimes. I get beyond what I’m doing or who I’m with and just end up in my own world. In a way, music keeps us grounded.

So, after we got in the car and finished our crepes, I talked about my future with him. My future job, what I’ll do after college, and all that. We talked about me and music. I asked him what he saw in me (and he reads people very well)…

“Dad… would you say I’m more of an intelligent guy who happens to have an ear for music, or a musician who happens to be intelligent?”

He favored the first one. Not that I had forgotten what I’d learned this school year and on the mission how unimportant my music is compared to the rest of me as one who honors Him, but for the first time I considered actually letting music fall below second priority in life. The thoughts of studying and reading and working and learning about things other than music flooded in as I drove on home.

“You know… never once in Lowell did I see you study. I saw your math homework on the coffee table… not even on a desk! Remember that day, when you couldn’t wake up, and I asked you when you slept, what you did after you came home… and we found out that once you came home, only 8% was devoted to school? Other people work harder than you and still… [it goes on]“

Basically, he made me think about music as something I do, but what I am is entirely separate. And all he could tell me was hoe much I am capable of… how much potential I have… how smart I am… Sheesh, Dad, how can I listen to all this and still keep my ego from swelling? That’s how I felt.

So… what do I say now? God… show me what You want me to do, ’cause I sure as heck do not want to stop You with what I think I already know about all this.

The slightest glimmer of hope is an amazing source of fuel. Ever notice how people will forsake all reason endure pain all for a singular desire?

I’m reminded of a conversation in the movie, The Shawshank Redemption, where Andy DuFresne had just gotten out of the hole and is at the dining table for the first time in a month. His friends ask him how the experience was, how he could handle it.

“I had Mr. Mozart to keep me company.”

“So they let you tote that record player down there, huh?”

“No. It was in here [points to head]… and in here [points to heart].”

Then, Andy embarks on a short monologue concerning hope. He asks his peers if anything has struck them so hard that it incurs wreckless passion. But Redd warns Andy sternly… “Hope can kill a man.” Redd, here, is referring to something that is intangible… something that creates a yearning inside that is never satisfied. Something you cannot grasp, and thus drives you insane with defeat. Redd then advised Andy to get used to the walls of prison… easily a metaphor for allowing rationality to curb your spirit… and thus, Andy retorts…

“Like Brooks did?”

Andy questions Redd’s thoughts on hope by reminding him that Brooks Hatlen lost hope, and got used to prison. Upon the end of his sentencing, he went insane, not knowing anything about the outside world. Redd was offended.

So we look at this chasm between these two schools of thought… belief in something intangible can lead to suffering. Indeed, that must be true to some extent. But belief in something so strongly that it can drive you to see past your current reality… wow. Can we call that faith? Or do we call that romanticism?

This is my point… Our hope is not intangible. Our hope is promised a reward. Our hope shall never fail. So…

WE CAN ALL BE ROMANTICS in CHRIST… period.

What is new? I am learning that as you tell people the same things over and over again, they get more imprinted in your brain, but you can process and process, pull more things out, and possibly gain more than the last time you shared it.

If we remember who God is and what He’s done, the we can always proclaim His faithfulness and worship in any circumstance.

For those who didn’t get to attend the worship seminar at camp or hear about it if you weren’t there, here are some key things from it:

***Day 1 – Tim***

-Worship is something we were all created to do. It is revealed through what we are obsessed over, what we give our time to, what we are devoted to, and what we serve. It is not always God (e.g., Michael Jackson concert — people faint, lift hands, sing, cry… awesome worship, but not towards Him)

-To worship, we must recognize God, and once we do that, we see ourselves as sinful. We acknowledge that God calls us out, though, and we must respond. We call out to Him, and He will respond.

…

Isaiah 6:8

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”

Isaiah 58:9a

Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

^^ This two-way communication with God is called prayer. ^^

-Worship is apple pie. A common way to show our daily lives in a diagram is through a pie chart. We divide our day up into portions such as: “School – 20%,” “Homework – 5%,” “Sleep – 15%,” “God (quite times and devos) – 2%.” And thus, we say to ourselves, “I need to worship more, so let me get some more God time in there, and do some more quite times and devotional times.” EH WRONG. Worship is apple pie… and God is the apple filling in this three-dimensional pie chart. No matter how you slice your day, God is in it. God is with you when you hang out with your friends. God is with you when you are playing video games. God is with you when you sleep. And so, we must do everything in acknowledgement to God.

***Day 2 – Warren***

-King David is an awesome worshiper. He was always honest before God. It showed in his undignified dance (2 Sam. 6), his laments in the Psalms (e.g., Psalm 38), and all throughout his life in the Bible. God wants an honest heart.

-King David sacrificed before God. (1 Chron. 21:21-24) No sacrifice to Him can be without personal cost.

At this point, I shared about my year. If you read my blog faithfully, then this is about the time I started blogging. My grandpa passed away, my dog was put to sleep, the whole girl thingy was going, all during school and trying to get settled on my new church and enter into community and accountability… But I still worshiped. Leaning on what I know about Job, David, Jesus… and the rest of the Bible that makes SO MUCH SENSE… I knew God would carry me. And He did.

-”Jesus You’re all this heart is living for.” The statement in “Hungry” is one of complete submission to God’s will. Jesus once prayed for the Father to take the cup from Him (meaning, “I don’t really want to die on the Cross unless I have to!”), but ultimately proclaiming “Your will, not mine.” His Crucifixion was the ultimate act of obedience (as well as many other things).

Thus, we come to the worship part:

1 Corinthians 6:20 – “you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”

Romans 12:1 – “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God–this is your spiritual act of worship.”

Matthew 16:24-25 – “Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.”

My sacrifice was my pride in that period of my life. I knew that God was God and I was not. So, I denied my wants, my plans, and allowed Him to work, and thus, beautiful things happened.

IN SHORT, worship God, no matter what, in all you do, and in all circumstances. It is the right thing to do, and the best thing to do.

Two weeks and I’m back in LA. Strange… it’s just weird not having a real place of permanence. Being at camp for a week has made my trip to home very short thus far, and barely feel like I’m giving any time to my parents. It’s been good anyway… I’m blessed to the max, so to speak, so there is no complaint. I do have questions, though:

How will I be used in Malachi 4:6? What will happen when I go back to LA? What will my school year be like? In what ways will I serve at church? How will I minister outside of church? Will I go to that worship leader conference? Will I go back to Navajo for Christmas? What relationships will grow? Which ones will be bumpy? SOOOOO many questions… And I have no right to be anxious.

He’s my peace, so I will not worry. He’s my answer, so I resign.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

-John 14:27

Awesome day… I went to Anthony’s (Pentecostal Anthony) birthday dinner. We got him “Ragamuffin Gospel” and a Worship Together CD. Then I met his friend from his church… The guy was so Biblically sound and really told me a lot of great things and saw eye-to-eye on me with everything. Such a wise guy, and encouraged me to lower some of the skepticism towards miracle healing nights. Certain amounts are good lest we fall into sacrilege (my wording)… but yeah.

Ask me to be watching for Him in me in a special way…

Camp was awesome. At camp I had:

-The most intense worship yet… I got to lead a full band for the first time.

-Intimate time with God

-My first time being on camp staff… so fun and learned so much

-My first seminar given… it was on worship (everyday in everything)

-Morning prayer every day at 7:30… awesome

-Focus, despite all the distractions and people who could become distractions (yes, girls)

-Long-awaited healing from a broken relationship. I prayed for it and it happened in a way I would never have expected.

-My first time coordinating worship and doing A/V stuff. Great.

-Less sleep than I would care to get, yet got spent everyday to my fullest :)

-Deep and total satisfaction in life

After camp, I slept from 7:30 PM to 10 AM, and didn’t get out of bed until 11. Yeah, count it… 14.5 hours of sleep, 15.5 total time in bed! Afterwards I had Country Fried Steak and a slice of French Apple Pie. Can you say “satisfied?”

Lord… thanks. All the more do I owe you my life.

Some of the stuff in my worship seminar… I used these verses to close it off:

1 Cor. 6:20, Rom. 12:1, Matt 16:24-25

Camp tomorrow. Go God!

Okay… yeah, look at the time of this post. I recorded tonight at Tim’s. Brian and I did an acoustic version of Hungry. That song has become one of my all-time favorites since Navajo, and I got to do it with my long-time friend and guitar buddy, too.

So, why so late a post? Because it’s okay to prolong sleep deprivation so long as it allows for a gem of a blog entry:

Three nights ago (including last night), my friends (San Francisco friends) from church introduced me firsthand to a game called “Emergency.” And when you say, “Emergency,” you must say it in a high-pitched voice with a real sense of urgency. Yes, I’m aware that the two words I just used rhymed. You decide whether it was intentional.

So, the idea of the game is that you get as many people in the car as possible (4 minimum), roll up all the windows, shut the door, and turn up the heat, ALL THE WAY. You must bear it as long as your stupidity permits. With AC off, full face blast, the heat is definitely over 100 degrees in the car. I would know, because I was in 110 degree weather at Navajo. In comparison, the time we spent in that car was so horrid, you couldn’t breathe through your nose lest you enjoy that kind of disgust. It’s like someone taking a hair dryer to a funnel and aiming straight up your nostrils.

It was hell… Allen and I found that you could write your name on your sweaty arm after a certain point. Joel’s palms got sticky… and PALMS DON’T GET STICKY FROM JUST REGULAR HEAT! Tim had to take off his necklace, because its metal began to burn him. Our jeans began to get moist. I kept singing to the David Crowder CD as long as my sanity would allow me to pretend I wasn’t in torture.

And we played for thirty-three minutes. Joel gave up, and we were all relieved (if that word can possibly convey with its intended weight). All of us were sweating like crazy. Tim had just taken a shower, too, but he is not a poor sport. Joel’s back was DRENCHED in sweat. I took my outer shirt and flung it to the ground and spread my arms out like Tim Robbins playing Andy DuFresne in The Shawshank Redemption. Gosh… it felt good. I felt so good that I tried gaining spiritual insights from it. Then we decided we would play another game… Anti-Emergency. We would then see how long we could stay out in our now COLD sweat in the San Francisco nighttime air. Joel, once again, was the sane one and stopped the madness to ensue.

I need to learn how to lay down my pride sometimes… haha, it could make me faint one day.

I have concluded that victory is a constant process with battles to be won continually. It is dumb to think you are strong.

Why is God so good to me?

Missions, birthday parties, meaningful conversations, divine appointments, genuine fellowship, leadership opportunities, change in my character, spiritual confirmations… God is blessing me to the most unbelievable paramaters.

“If you don’t feel God is near to you anymore, guess who moved?”

-Pastor Daniel Brown

edit – He’s increasing my territory too.