waking up

The path is slowly unfolding before my very eyes. God, make me useable. It’s all for You.

Saw the Passion. Can I be any more unworthy of God’s goodness? Yeah. I had Anarkali afterwards.

On a more serious note… It was deeply moving. Leaving the theater, if it were my choice (and I wasn’t with my dad), I would have gone straight to some little private corner and wept for a really long time. I have never before sensed this kind of realism when it came to the Cross. I knew of the details, even heard countless sermons on what He went through (even going into the makeup of the various tools used in Roman torture), but really seeing it (or an interpretation of it) brought me lower than ever. There are moments in [my] life where it feels like there is only one thing to do, which is to kiss the bloody feet of Jesus. This was one of them.

God, honestly, that you don’t strike me down at any moment of the day is beyond me. How much more unfathomable is it that you should become man? And how much more so that you would die in the most painful way? And the grace with which you did it all… the noble silence, the calm authority, the meekness in your persecution… Please, please, please let me not waste a drop of it. Break me and pour me out, that You may be glorified. Words… how futile… listen to my heart.

Dang, I love Hyun Ja…

***

me: oh man

hyun ja: what’s up?

me: my dad is in town and we just bought tickets for the passion at 4:05 PM at century city

me: it’s gonna be CRAZAY

hyun ja: wow…

hyun ja: that is crazy…..

hyun ja: dont’ spoil the ending for me.

hyun ja: okay….

hyun ja: hahahaha

me: HAHAHAHA

me: HE DIES

hyun ja: WHAT!!!!

me: hahahaha

hyun ja: HE LIVES!!!!!

me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

me: i forgot about that part.

hyun ja: i don’t know if it’s going to be in the movie.

me: yeah i wonder

me: should i tell u if it is?

me: nah

hyun ja: hahahaha

hyun ja: lol.

hyun ja: it’s okay i know how it really ends.

***

Okay. Like I said, I don’t really like posting other people’s song lyrics, but I must… right now it’s like a “fire in my bones.” On the new Passion album, a bunch of hymns were redone… I was sent an advance sampler with only four songs, but one especially melted me. “Here is Love” by Matt Redman truly wrenched my heart. Although you can’t hear it, sense his passion and anointing, it goes like this:

***

Here is love

Vast as the ocean

Lovingkindness as a flood

When the Prince of Life for ransom

Shed for us His precious blood

Who His love will not remember

Who can cease to sing His praise?

He can never be forgotten

Throughout heav’n’s eternal days

On the mount of crucifixion

Fountains open deep and wide

Through the floodgates of God’s mercy

Flowed the vast and gracious tide

Grace and love like mighty rivers

Poured incessant from above

Heaven’s peace and perfect justice

Kissed a guilty world in love

***

This is yet another one of those things that we hear all the time. These almost tired and worn-out phrases seem to have lost meaning for us in this age. I find myself writing songs that two words in some hymns sum up all too quickly. But it’s out of a desire of mine to make those two words into an essay that people can all but ignore. So with this Matt Redman thing… he comes up with a bridge to this song. (It’s in three for all you people who can feel the emphasis on the syllables)

“No love is higher

No love is wider

No love is deeper

No love is truer

“No love is higher

No love is wider

No love is like Your love, oh Lord”

As soon as I heard this, I felt that now-familiar Rushing Wind come over me. I was in the room with Robert (on his laptop) and Eddie (sleeping), but in that moment I felt a stirring inside me. It welled up into watery eyes, and I could only listen intently and, in my heart, stand in silence. Otherwise I would have broken down right then and there. I held it in for later.

Later was today. I had to go meet my dad for dinner (he’s in town for a couple days). After I went to the gym, showered, got dressed, I saw the sampler again. I grabbed it for the ride over to Arcadia (about 30 mins). And since my car is one of the most intimate worship places these days, I played it as I pulled out. Somewhere on the 10 East, it got to that song again. This time I held in my mind thoughts of “precious blood,” “gracious tide,” and “lovingkindness as a flood.” These notions built on each other, rising up in me, stirring up what I had been holding in all day. The bridge started, and I began to experience the deepest realization of His love for me yet. Tears flowed as I pounded against anything I could pound on, shouting and sobbing simultaneously, breathing as if I was breathing for no one else but Him. It was incredulity and comprehension, pain and joy, satiation, revelation, all in one deep purging. My God had touched me.

I so want to live for Him. My life is all too costly to call my own in heart or deed.

Please…. please do yourself a great favor and get the Passion Hymns CD. It comes out this Tuesday.

I’m slowly becoming Korean. I had a Galbi Dol Soat Bibimbap and some more Hot Dok. Ohhhhgghghhghgh……

Dang I love Moe. Here’s a song I’m reminded of (music and lyrics by Charlie Kim):

***

I love Moe

Moe loves me

We will be together

Forever

***

I think I made the last few posts too dramatic-looking. The writer-voice that came through was one of despair or anxiety, but rather, throughout the entire ordeal I had much peace. I slept extremely well the night I realized I had to take care of all that stuff the next day, and in fact, slept too well. I was thinking on something, that kinda wraps it all up:

Many times, our affections draw us different directions. C.S. Lewis said that “we are far too easily pleased.” In this same way, I find that our negative emotions will draw us in different directions as well. This may be a ‘duh’ to everyone, but like some other posts of mine, I feel that this is truly gigantic if we ponder it. If at once you EVER lose your focus on God, then not only do you take the focus off the One who has all the rights to have it, but you allow room for lies to creep in, pride to puff up, flesh to take control. When you are constantly focused on God, from all the dumb, everyday-life stuff, to the your-life-is-screwed moments, you will never be shaken. NEVER. Also, you get to learn things on the way, about yourself, about God, and about dependence. Dependence in this case is a beautiful thing.

I’ve been asking myself lately if any thoughts have come across my mind without consulting God first. If they have, most likely they will take me away from my focus, as the flesh is inclined to fall. Now I’m not saying I have my head in the clouds all day, singing to God and not even paying attention to the road (sometimes), but trying to allow all of my faculties to consider Him first, whether it be my thoughts, feelings, or will. Taking every thought captive… they are like rogues.

So, I go to the bank and close my account and transfer funds. Then I go to the Social Security Office. I talk to the guard because there’s a lone line, so I ask him if there’s anything these people can do to help me. He says, NOPE. Call the number and talk to a representative and find out anything else. So I call them. I ask if there’s anything I can do to take a preventative measure from fraud activity. You know what she says? “Keeping your number safe was your preventative measure.” Good one…

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