waking up

Time for a new post. So, money sucks. I got overdrawn about 14 times over the past two and a half weeks, and I just found out about most of them this weekend. A couple carried over and took effect yesterday. Do you know how much money that is? $22 multiplied by 14 = 392,345,082,034,958 tacos. Or something. I begged and pleaded with WAMU on the phone and they let me get away with 7. I am an idiot. First lesson – My mom still loves me somehow… Second lesson – FRIGGIN’ CHECK YO’ BALANCE!

And with this whole identity theft thing… I JUST took care of it now… after 3 months. As it turns out, my credit card company (MBNA) tried to direct debit the monthly payments from my checking account (that is, the OLD ONE that I CLOSED). Needless to say, they were denied thrice. Thus, my credit card usage got suspended for about three months now. This is the reason why I totally dipped more into my checking account recently. So today I met the nicest bank guy ever, next to Shaun, my accountability partner (who is training to become a WELLS FARGO SUPERCOOLINFOMONEYMAN). Funny thing is, his name is Sean, too. I had him send out a fax proving that my old account was closed so no payments could have been made to MBNA. After a while, I got a hold of some guy at MBNA to make sure the fax was received and that they had all they needed to re-open my account. Guess what? HIS NAME IS SHAWN.

Is something weird here or what???

Lesson of the day: don’t give Warren money. Unless you owe him. If he owes you, 80% chance says he forgot already and he’s thankful you’re not a company.

EDIT: Shawn just called back. Though it takes a few weeks, my credit file is now FLAWLESS. MUAHAHAHA HOW LITTLE DO THEY KNOW WHO THEY’RE DEALING WITH…!!

ATTN: Long one. Read on if you love me.

Okay. So, to give a little history. About a year ago, this blog used to be filled with random funny stories and things I learned. In that respect, it’s much the same as now. But I did something before that I don’t do now: I explained stuff.

I dunno why, but these days I either don’t have the time to spend on a weblog posting the inner workings of my thoughts, so rather than record all of that stuff, i try to boil it down and make the reader decrypt it. Sure, it makes sense to me when I come back to read it (most of the time), but I really wonder about how much my writing for the sake of writing vs. my writing for the sake of keeping quick little jots about my life affects the content of this. So, before I belabor myself, I’ll just reiterate my last post’s idea: As long as I have something to say, I want to try to say it.

So, today’s story… I don’t know exactly where to begin, but because of some of the stuff I’ve been reading, some recent events, and just a random chunk of spare time I used today, I have gotten to really look back on my life this past year. I’m reading “Waking the Dead” by John Eldredge, I just went to my last Revivalution Sheperds’ meeting (where a time of reflection bent on thankfulness resulted in a communal purging of pent-up/hidden gratefulness in the form of sobbing), and I just had another crazy day that started with my doing a take-home Anthropology of Music midterm and went on through 5 hours of class including another midterm (French), which left me, surprisingly, not dead. So here I am, post-sensory overload, sitting in front of my computer, trying to gather all that I have experienced and extruding it like a sausage- or pasta-maker.

The best I can come up with is a narrative (which I’m basically stealing from John Eldredge who stole from the Bible). Once upon a time, God created a bunch of amazing things. Among them were the Earth, stars, and all that (I’m terribly condensing it). Using our logic, the thought of sheer amounts of mass formed (not to mention the quiet beauty and brilliant design) and the thought of our relative size and “splendor” seem incomparably unequal. This is what the psalmist spoke of in Psalm 8:

“3 When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars that you have established; 4 what are human beings that you are mindful of them, mortals that you care for them?” (NRSV)

And this is usually the attitude I try to put on to get a “proper” perspective of God and myself. Yet it’s only partially true to see that as all there is to be said, given the context. And the author immediately points out, in the very next verse, what I wish to point out.

“5 Yet you have made them a little lower than God, and crowned them with glory and honor.” (NRSV)

Other translations in accordance with Jewish tradition, I’m told, don’t understand the word God in verse 5, in the Hebrew, Elohim, as literally God, but rather, as heavenly beings, or as we like to all of their multitudes, angels. And this is not to nit-pick, but just to be thorough and to not leave room for confusion. But BASICALLY, we are crowned with glory and honor. That One of glory and honor bestows it upon us! And this is the scene I envision between Genesis 1 and Genesis 3, a scene which John Eldredge talks about in his book.

We weren’t made as nobodies, wretches, or sinful people. We were made as sons and daughters of the Most High. We were made each unique, yet all bearing our Father’s image. Eldredge raises these questions: Who is more glorious than He? Who is more generous? Who is more beautiful? Who is more valiant? Wise? Valiant? True? We were made in this One’s likeness… I remember I knew a kid who went to another school that Robin Williams’ son went to. I was like… “that’s pretty cool.” Lame illustration, but HOW MUCH MORE God’s kid? Yourself?

And as if I should stop with the ego-puffing, John Eldredge tells us to “remember that though [God] made the heavens and the earth in all their glory, the desert and the open sea, the meadow and the Milky Way, and said, ‘It is good,’ it was only after he made you that he said, ‘It is very good’ (Gen. 1:31).” And it was at this moment when I began to cry. All I could cry was, “How far! How far, how far, how far I’ve fallen… fallen so short…” I laid down right where I was reading as I allowed the emotion to sink in. What glory to have lost, what grace!

And though it was a kind of holy mourning, the moment did not last too long to be comforted. The good news is better than I ever knew before. We get to have that glory back. We don’t have to hide it, either. But that’s another story altogether. I’d like to share something else now, seemingly unrelated.

So back a little while, in a totally different kind of way, this past Saturday was another one of these moments I’ll label revelation. I was first in the shepherd/intern meeting to go around praying of my thankfulness after the meditational period, but by the end, the Spirit had stirred us to agreement in this: He is GOOD. Oh, the tears of realized joy. It was that “joy unspeakable.” And if you have had one of those experiences before, then you’ll know that no matter how cliché and hackneyed those phrases are in the Christian culture, every time the Lord moves among and in you is a new time. Oh, and did He bring refreshing!

To save myself from writing more than I should, and to save anyone who might actually want to read “Waking the Dead,” I’ll just conclude with a bit of why I decided writing at all today.

Risking putting a comma or semicolon in my personal sort of sentence-view of my life I use from time to time, I remember once briefly having asked for pain and trial to teach me more about faith and trust (leaning on Him, dependence, obedience… blah blah blah). It was one of those times where I used no words but I felt it in my heart. It was so deep down, I remember I shied away from ever having verbalized it in prayer and dwelling on it any more. I hid it there, where it stayed deep as it was. I was afraid I didn’t have enough faith or trust to go through the fire. Many times along the way I felt as if it was a valley with no returning to a peak in sight. I knew it was supposed to be “refining,” but I didn’t experience it wholly in that way. Rather, I felt like my ethereal (as opposed to material) possessions were being torn away or suddenly missing with evidence of traces left behind, because inside I was either saying, “I want my faith back!” or asking, “Where did my trusting nature go? I know I still cling to a fiber of it…”

The details I won’t go into. But I feel I’ve come to a little bit better grasp of something God has been trying to tell me always. I want all of you. Now do I see/feel/understand more that it will cost me everything. He wants you. You should want Him. You will hurt. He will love. And we will glory in Him.

Thankful enough to cry. You alone are so worthy.

I can’t help but notice the utter cryptic nature of many of my posts over the past month… I suppose it comes partly from a deep desire to be eloquent and concise. The other part is my trying with all my intellect and heart to render seemingly desperate and painful circumstances in my life as already-pondered and processed through the lens of redemption, for the sake of accessibility to readers. Funny thing though, because in doing that I give myself the counsel I’m supposed to get… applying the spiritual truths I’ve come across to my own times of trouble.

I think I will be a little bit more vulnerable online… If any think less of me, that’s cool. I’m not superman.

Yeah. Looking at things in a new way. Embracing the irrational rationally.

Wow. Today was just one of those days that embody the essence of life in God. This kind of stuff naturally flows into peace and hope and love, and all that good stuff. The fruit. God’s been working on me, and I am beginning to see what He can do if I just surrender and obey.

Senior banquet was wild. God is too cool.

Today started with praise practice, followed by the first Navajo 2004 training meeting, then straight home for a quick shower and change for the awesomest Revivalution banquet ever. So many people giving their all to bless the seniors, and ultimately glorify God… so much joy and fellowship tonight. So much of Him, showing more of why He is worthy to be praised.

And a long, long day comes to a sweet close.

I like how there are a bunch of bees around my desk. They keep falling asleep or something on the ground so I just take ‘em and put them in the toilet with whatever contraption I can muster (used and folded-up toilet paper rolls for now). There are so many, and they’re only around my desk… I wonder if the chicken I left on my desk yesterday night has anything to do with it…