waking up

Found a place one day before move-out. Woo.

WOOOOO 21-unit Spring Quarter ends well: 3.333

Cumulative GPA = 3.175. Oh yayer.

So I’m back “home” again. In San Francisco. The way I felt last time I feel again now. I feel so much like a stranger here… I see the streets I know so well yet I feel like I’m a tourist. I’m even snapping pictures of the views I grew up with. Funny… last year I was taking pictures of Los Angeles, and everyone there. Now it is almost as if I am on vacation (in SF) and bringing my pictures back to share with people at home (LA).

Last night, I ate at this really fancy Italian place. During the dinner, I looked at my mom and, for a brief moment, I felt pure shock and fear. I was looking into a face that I had known for all my life, and I was suddenly afraid of forgetting her. All her sacrifices, all her hard work and devotion in raising me and providing for me… I looked at my dad immediately and I felt the same way. I was so confused…

I want to hug them and say they’ll never lose my affections. I regard them as more precious than ever before…

I don’t really know what to make of it. This was not the way I felt when I left for college. Same as any other kid, I presume, I couldn’t wait to get out of my hometown — to be “free” and “independent.” That day in my Dykstra Lounge/Dorm, my mom cried as we finished unpacking. And I knew she would. All I could say was, “Oh, Mom… don’t be sad.” Only now do I express the reciprocation of that emotion… only in the past year or so have I felt that I, too, am sad I am leaving.

Revisiting my life… just five days. Definitely not long enough to spend in this house.

It makes me want to make them proud. As I take the life they gave me and go do what they support me in doing, it is in humility and gratitude.

And the application… I suppose we should feel the same way about our Father?

New song. Maybe Moe will title all of them from now on. For now it’s–

Untitled

I walk, but I stumble and fall

I’ve grown tired and weary

So I fall face down to the ground

With my hands on my heart

But I know You’re calling,

[chorus] “Those who hope in the LORD shall renew their strength”

It takes all I am to arise again

So I stand

Though my back is bent with heaviness

Won’t You lift my head just once more?

For I know what You said—-

[chorus]

Sometimes I fear

that You are not near

Sometimes I fear

I’ve grown deaf to the voice of the One who loves me

Sometimes I doubt Your goodness

Change my heart

so I can sing again…

[chorus]

[end...]

I will walk through Your fire

and come out burning brighter inside

I will be tossed by Your sweeping waves

and not drown

for You will hear the deep of me cry out

to the deep of You

And as I pour out my life

You pour out more

…

So I served under Troy this weekend. I played bass for a youth rally in Fullerton and it was great. For those of you who don’t know, Troy is a funny guy who likes music and likes to worship. I have a lot in common with him in that way, except for the being funny business. Basically he’s a worship leader who is quite unique. He’ll go from one song, transition to another song’s chorus, repeat a line in a verse, go to another song, modulate (unrehearsed), go into a fast song, end while going to the next fast one, call everyone to drop out and sing it slow, go a capella, etc. You get the point. To the untrained eye, he looks like an unpredictable wild-card crazy-man. But there’s a method to the madness…

Now before you all think I’m glorifying Mr. Troy, I am just using him to further my own agenda here, which is to touch on a subject long pervading my thoughts on worship… being this:

Worship of our God expressed in many different ways, but the heart remains the same.

Yeah… I’ve always known that. AGAIN with the whole mind-heart disconnect. But Pastor Dave was right a long time ago.

How else might Pentecostals and Catholics and whomever else call themselves Christian love each other? How else might an attendee of any Christian service of worship experience the presence of God (believer or not)? What unifies us and gives us purpose like nothing else? It is the central idea of worshiping God. Loving the Father through the leading of the Spirit on the work of Christ with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength is Number One. This is another big “duh,” I know. But not.

From this place of intimacy with God, everything else flows. How we are to treat our neighbor, how we are to plan our lives, all comes from staying close to Him. Rich Manley (the speaker at the youth rally) illustrated just how little sense it makes for us to worry about our futures. It is supremely about following Jesus closely, and it is He who will direct our paths. Along the way, we will encounter the things and people He wants us to encounter, at the proper time and in the proper way. Opportunity from obedience. The heart of it all is so much more important than worrying about the details. That’s what the Pharisees missed. That’s what I miss.

Fortunately, I’m rich in the mercy and grace He’s lavished upon me. He’s withheld due justice and poured out undeserved blessing. From here I shall stand. On Christ the Solid Rock, in whose death and resurrection holiness and love kiss (Martin Luther). Elsewhere is sinking sand.