waking up

You can’t just float through life and expect to end up where you want to be. You have to make decisions. You have to act. Oh God, I know, sometimes it hurts, sometimes it is the scariest thing, but you have to do it. And you never know until you act… The moment of a big decision is probably the craziest five to eight seconds you will ever know. It’s when smart and dumb people, beautiful or ugly, rich or poor, all equally know their utter limitations and lack of control.

I avoid these uncomfortable sitatuations by remaining passive, choosing not to choose, ignoring truth, and pretty much all the other fancy names for disobedience. The anguish of keeping a lid on unconfessed sin! We think of every way to escape the hardest thing for a man–coming before God. Yet it is the best thing. And in this coming into the Light, what are the most painful and scary moments are followed by the deepest healings and experiences of security when before Him. And Isaiah said that this is when God gets glory from you and those around you.

“If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.”

So there were a lot of things about WinterVision this past weekend that were gnawing at me. Many instances had the potential to be very trite, very hackneyed… where was God in all of it? It felt like formula-fueled ministry. Most of the worship didn’t move me except the first night. I felt like I wasn’t flowing with the Spirit for much the rest of the weekend. I felt dry and hard-hearted. Breaking the all-Saturday fast on Sunday wasn’t as joyful as I expected. And wearing the same clothes all weekend was supposed to free me of my image.

I feel I have been giving my best in service of God since I came to San Jose. But more often than I would like to admit, God has been spoon-feeding me through people. Yeah, God speaks through people… but you know what? I don’t think He always should. And when I couldn’t feel Him moving in a place where He was supposed to move, amongst holy people with pure intentions and expectant hearts, it hurt so bad. And I realized there what I have been feeling for a while now…. that God doesn’t have to prove anything to me. He doesn’t owe me any explanations of His character, His plans for the weekend… And while that’s all good for humility’s sake and perseverance and all, there is more. And it’s that a lover of God knows that He Himself satisfies all the restlessness.

I remember distinctly praying in my spirit during the first night of worship. You know, one of those moments where you have nothing specific to tell God or can’t yet express whatever it is you are trying to say but all of a sudden your spirit needs to say something to Him, and you know it is said, whether in mind or in tongue, and heard. And the worship leader, Alina, was praying over us during this really almost cutesy time during the worship set and somehow, it was divine. During songs I have sung dozens of times in my life I actually felt like God was rekindling something in me. And as she prayed it became apparent, and my heart had to speak. “This is not enough, I must know you for myself.”

And here is where all the trite stuff comes back into the picture. Fasting, memorizing Scripture, setting regular times with God, and singing (though it seems like we’re getting it almost too well these days) set the stage for you to encounter God. Whoever said that discipline is necessary for the Christian walk is smarter than I am.

Swinging to the other side whe you see the truth… I had absorbed a little bit too much of the “God is everywhere” bit and got caught up in the “I don’t have to try and seek Him anymore” bit.

And yes… even worship teams that do a poor job of leading played-out songs can still lead you into His presence.