waking up

Back from LA…

Since quitting my job at Guitar Center on the 15th, I have pretty much been seeking to reclaim all of my youthful exuberance the past two weeks. For the first week, I visited a bunch of friends in San Jose, cooked for them/ate with them/talked with them and just enjoyed the freedom of it all. It was busy and I tried to do as much as I could, but one day, when I just had this laid back feeling I felt really relieved. I tried to soak it in.

I spent week two away from Guitar Center in LA. I even had an itinerary.

Every day was chock full of meeting with people, doing a whole lot of nothing, eating good food, and having good times. It was hard work having so much fun. I was running around and having crazy conversations about life and church and even some philosophy (with Moe). But towards the end of it, something took me off guard. I found myself at Revivalution (the college ministry of my old church), and they had this sharing/reflection time because it was the end of the school year for the students. And normally it is all good stuff, the usual “God was really at work in my family this year…” or the “God totally gave me good grades I didn’t even deserve!” and the typical “I had a horrible year, but God totally brought me through it and taught me so much.”

I really had to think for my response. I really had to think HARD. Luckily I was last to go in my group of five. I didn’t know how to give any kind of testimony about the past six months in my life that sounded nice. Somehow, I kind of talked about how I am trusting that although this past year has been tough, God is not really done with me yet, and I am clinging to this bright hope. I think I pulled it off well enough. They didn’t ask questions.

Funny thing is, if you know anything about me or any of my past sharing/testimony history, you pretty much get the sense that I am always the first one with something to share, if not dying to be first. It’s because I always have something to say. But this time, it was different. I found myself in a place where I couldn’t put my finger on what was happening in my life, much less offer encouraging testimony. This year I have experienced failure like never before, disappointment like never before, loneliness like never before, frustration like never before, and confusion like never before. I didn’t even know how I was handling it.

I found that many things in LA had not changed. My friends treated me the same way they always had, with the same jokes, and with the same love. But I had changed. Some said to me that I seemed “more serious.” This was not far from the truth… that I had seen things that had hurt me, challenged my expectations, and heavily burdened my heart.

So even in the midst of all the fun, I began to feel a nagging discomfort. And come Sunday morning, I felt hurt when Pastor Dave spoke to me for a total of eight seconds and walked away. I felt confused when people came up to me saying how much they would miss me. I felt lonely even though I was in a room full of my friends.

I arrived at home tonight feeling tired and ready to rest, yet strangely defeated as well. I had just spent an entire week doing things I love with people I love. I was depressed. Then my mom called me, just to check if I got back yet.

After about a minute, when the conversation was about to finish, I felt like I just had to tell my mom something. Tears started to well up.

“Mom… I miss my friends.”

I cried with such powerful grief. It was like I finally let out all of the grief I stored up for a long time. It was like I really understood what it cost to come to San Jose. And I didn’t have to say anything more. My mom understood.

I didn’t have to give a nice and neat testimony.