waking up

Hosea 2:14-16

“Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.

“There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Trouble a door of hope.
There she will sing as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

“In that day,” declares the LORD,
“you will call me ‘my husband’;
you will no longer call me ‘my master.’

…

This is what God does with people who pervert His truth, His image, those who are unfaithful. He marries them.

Anxiety is one of my hidden killers.

Since I’ve been really transparent and confessional lately, I thought I’d let you know.

But do you ever get that feeling like you have to get a word in to a lively conversation? Like if you don’t, then you will be very unhappy or undervalued?

I realized that I struggle with this a lot.

I started to notice this about myself… and a few times already, I have heard this response: “Really? You don’t seem like that type of guy.”

I guess I portray myself as a somewhat confident, assertive, talkative person who reflects a lot on deep things. In reality, I just articulate well, I’m a quick thinker, and
I vomit what I learn/read a lot before it has a chance to digest. I guess I must disguise it pretty well, or perhaps it’s just that people who haven’t spent much time with me think highly of me.
But here’s the real me: I find myself not knowing what I’m saying mid-sentence, and just keep talking so I can catch up with my own words eventually to make what I blurted out begin to make sense…

People might think I am just that guy, but, in reality, it’s deeper than that. I wonder how many of us don’t know that we are all messed up inside.

LA always messes with my heart.

I feel comparable amounts of loss, grief, distance, and intimacy, joy, and fulfillment. Overall, a good weekend. Saw Robert graduate, FINALLY, saw Charlie for the first time in a year, saw Moe the happiest he’s been in a while, went to the Garden’s Sunday Service for the first time in a year, saw John Mayer rip it up, visited some old favorite restaurants.

I found myself almost totally disconnected from worship on Sunday. I felt the heartache of revealing more of my insecurity.

I was encouraged by the sense of closeness of some of my oldest friendships. I was refreshed by the new generation of college students coming through Revivalution. Pastor Dave’s mother-in-law prayed over me, and she spoke exactly what I have been needing to hear for the last few months.

Time changes things, but not everything.

And Robert and I had another one of our super-late night talks… this time about Church. How neither institutional church nor organic church have the answers, how Western Christianity is being reborn, how not to do ministry, how much we want to see the Kingdom come.

Good times.

It came out of me again, like venomous vomit.

Where does it all come from? This spite for the others, this lust for domination, this
dark feeling of raw hunger mixed in with fear, anxiety, and anger? Now I’m starting to see it very clearly–more with each time I confess: I yearn for approval. I want people to think I’m smart, funny, and just likeable overall. I see the anger revealed in my youth rear its ugly head again when I don’t feel valued. I’m starting to see more of what’s going on underneath the surface.

Didn’t I grow up in a loving home? Don’t I have a loving God?

God’s wonderful work is still going, I suppose… just not as fast as I’d hoped. At least I’m not so crippled that I can’t be honest about it.

Thanks for giving me grace and mercy to work it out another day. Bless me with a community that shares in my hope and frustration.