waking up

So I haven’t written at much depth here for a long time. Most of it has been a sprinkling of funny things and at times, updates on my life, the band, new songs. Another big part of it is due to the Thankfulness Project. I suppose it’s a good thing being busy writing about things I am grateful for.

Anyway, I figured it was time for some reflection.

***

I have been in San Jose almost three years now… it’s strange to think of it this way, quantifying it, as if the experiences and relationships and struggle could somehow be contained. The math doesn’t really add up for me.

I recall a time when I was driving back to Los Angeles after deciding I would move. I was on 5 South, and it was just completely quiet. I remember this gnawing feeling of being so ill-equipped, so utterly uncertain, and afraid of what was to come. At the same time, I felt like I had this conviction to follow where I thought God was leading, and I resolved then in my heart that when things were difficult, my conviction would be enough.

To be completely honest, I have had shining moments, I have had very dark moments. But none as dry and completely lost as now. I feel shaky at best.

It’s extremely raw right now. An extreme fear of loneliness. That I might have to one day make it on my own. And the fear that I will fail with nobody around to catch me.

I have been affected by some deaths recently, and I can’t just help but worry about what will become of my parents or my brother. Reasonable fears or not, I can’t help it.

Money is more and more important to me than ever… how little I know about it worries me, yet I am crippled to think that I might have to handle all this responsibility. I find myself extremely ambivalent towards my finances.

When I lose things, it hurts more than it did before. I find I am less generous with others while splurging on myself. I probably do this to alleviate whatever baggage I drag around.

Cynicism is deeper than ever now, I even begin to see shallowness in all of my daily 10’s. And as much as I like analyzing everything, I can’t process it all. Which confronts me with the uncomfortable truth that there’s very little to boast about. Apparently, the Bible says that I have nothing to stand on anyway. And the sooner I see that, the better. And now I can’t shake the idea that this season is going to strip away even more than the little I have clung to.

And I always viewed San Jose as somewhat temporary… I remember telling myself in the Fall of 2005 that after three years, I would probably be doing something different, like leading a house church, or moving away to join some other cutting-edge ministry, or making it big doing whatever it is people get big doing. I always thought it would be a stepping stone that bigger, better something. How short-sighted.

And as time passes, I realize more now that the goal is me. God is forming in me a bigger, better heart. And the more grief and struggle I accept, and the less I avoid God in these hard places, the deeper the joy will go, the sweeter the victories will be. And for now, the conviction needs to run deeper as well.

I asked God to soften my heart a little while ago, because it was hard as a rock. I think He gave me a song today. From Jars of Clay:

All heavy laden acquainted with sorrow
May Christ in our marrow, carry us home
From alabaster come blessings of laughter
A fragrance of passion and joy from the truth

Grant the unbroken tears ever flowing
From hearts of contrition only for You
May sin never hold true that love never broke through
For God’s mercy holds us and we are His own

This road that we travel, may it be the straight and narrow
God give us peace and grace from You, all the day
Shelter with fire, our voices we raise still higher
God give us peace and grace from You, all the day through

***

1) That Elton could meet up with me and just help me unload.
2) That Mom has so much love in her heart.
3) That we have the money to enjoy a nice meal at CPK.
4) That I got Apple Care.
5) That I made it to my lessons on time.
6) That I got constructive criticism for my music. And it didn’t hurt.
7) That all of my lessons went well.
8) That I am becoming a better teacher.
9) That I am becoming a better friend (to some).
10) That I am coming undone.

Tuesday
1) Finally getting a hold of a cop to do sign off on my fix-it ticket.
2) Great lesson with L****,
3) and C*****,
4) A chance to chat with Bill, a fellow teacher.
5) Having some time to figure out how to do use my new recorder.
6) Another great lesson with J*****,
7) A*****, who has always had a really hard time and got frustrated a whole lot before… Now he’s having a blast and is taking it easy on himself.
8) Another cool lesson w/K******; even though he has a really tough time with rhythm, we’re making small progress.
9) Hearing about his engagement over some tacos at
10) TLP. What an awesome restaurant.

Wednesday
1) Meeting up with Seri and Tim
2) @ Shan!
3) Paris Baguette after!
4) Chatting with Jamie…
5) Jamie helping me get my shiz together. Ashamedly, I have not gotten paid for a bunch of lessons I taught, and it’s my fault. But Jamie was nice enough to help me out and get my paperwork done, and not judge me.
6) Having free time to test out my Zoom H4. It sounds pretty good…
7) Pete Scazzero’s lecture on “The Wall.” It’s just what I needed.
8) Haven Prayer Meeting at Crema with Elton and Lisa. I’m glad to have these guys to journey alongside with…
9) Shin got a new job!
10) That God has not left, and that He has been kind, patient, and longsuffering with me, and that His love is not based on my performance.