waking up

I am moving into my new house this weekend.

I moved into this so-called “Doghouse” in Campbell on 12/01/2006. When I first started living here, I was pretty confused. I had just quit my job at Guitar Center, without any other fall-back plans other than teaching a few students and obtaining a substitute teacher’s permit. I was still deconstructing what I used to believe about the Church, and had only begun to discover what being a part of Haven meant. I had no drive to write music. Or perhaps I had too much fear to express myself musically? The fabric of my college self was unravelling, and I felt like I was losing faith fast as more and more of my flaws were rising to the surface, making me more and more unacceptable in my own eyes, or in other words, unworthy of love. Add on top of that the burglary, and simply put, most memories in this house were, at best, raw.

Now, two and a half years later, I have a full roster of students, my house community has “multiplied,” I have a band for which I’ve finished 10 original songs with a 4-song EP on iTunes, and I am beginning to discover–beyond my wildest imagination–how deep the love of God really goes. I got many stolen items back from my neighbor via the Campbell PD’s detective work, and through prayer, I’ve been able to work up the courage and mercy to not only acknowledge him as we daily come and go, but actually talk to the guy.

I am still confused about my purpose or my calling, and overall, I don’t know if I am any closer to the teacher/minister/band leader/Christian I want to be or if I simply need to let go of these ideals (or the ones tied to my own insecurities, at least) in order to experience what is possible outside of my own merit… But I feel like I am more confident than when I came here that God has not left me on my own, to fight it out until I fall into despair.

So cheers to this new chapter of my life. May it be filled with deep relationships, deep joy, and a more pure faith. And may my home be a blessing to others as I draw closer to the God who is my shelter and my refuge.